The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
The Birdles
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.