Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.