Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you