No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.