This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
✌🏽
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?