Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
time machine? you mean a clock?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”