[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.