Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The first one, obviously
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old