*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
This fish is cracking me up
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Always leave them wanting their money back.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.