Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Oh thanks BBC.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.