Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.