[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.