Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
You Might Also Like
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update