[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas