Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”