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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day