I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”