me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*