cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Quadruple digit IQ
Ken is short for chicken
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal