My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You’re the water to my grease fire.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*