Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
You Might Also Like
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
That’s fair
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Mhm.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*