gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
You Might Also Like
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Thinking about Jeff
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.