Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
#parenting
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.