During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.