Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My inexpensive home security system…
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.