Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
#DesignFail
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.