Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.