[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
no regrets
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.