just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.