[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
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Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
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alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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lol this is so Capricorn.
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– Toddlers
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[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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*winks*
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My son – not this again
Cop –
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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