Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.