“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread