[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.