[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee