My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.