Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store