Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.