Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
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Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds