If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.