[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
me, too, girl. me, too.
These work great until they don’t.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
ok like just. call me at this point
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If only
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…