ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude