That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?