Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
fourth time’s the charm
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.