Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.