PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating