Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Danger is very dangerous
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence