Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
next level snooze
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.