Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Phonetics
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business