I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂