compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
me after drinking all the wine:
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.