INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]